new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
