Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
