Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize