shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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