in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
