Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
