I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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