Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
