Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize