I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
