I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize