I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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