Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
