i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
