just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
