Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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