come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
