There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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