Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
