so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
