Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
