sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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