Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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