the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
