I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
