We named our party play list daddy issues
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
