This is not my ceiling
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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