Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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