my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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