First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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