It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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