I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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