I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He better not be in your backpack
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
