I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
