he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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