no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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