He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
