And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
