Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize