my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
