The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
