Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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