sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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