Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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