So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize