I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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