Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
