apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
