you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize