you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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