filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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