so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
