As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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