so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
