Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Randomize
