im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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