Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
