$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
