i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
