i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
