There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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